Losing control

Jaded.

A cliched sentiment. But i think it describes what I might possibly be feeling about my life of late.

It's 12.45am now. I woke up after a 6-hour long sleep fr 6pm til 12am - something which I have never done before. My mom didn't bother to wake me up for dinner. I think she's feeling the same way as I am. Getting a little sick and tired of life's routines.

Had a bit of squash earlier after the successful completion of this yr's SMU Squash Fever. Well done to the 08 Exco. Couldn't help out more because of work reasons and all I could do was to go down help mark&ref matches. I hope watching all the exciting matches help restore some of my real interest in the game. Not quite looking forward to the upcoming Uni games though simple due to a lack of confidence and preparation.

I'm not very conscious about the fact that today's Saturday and National Day and didn't quite give a damn about the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony which everyone said was a blast of a fireworks display yada yada. THings just don't quite interest me anymore. I don't think it's due to me channeling my energy to work, haven't been working too hard actually. And summer job's gonna end soon. Maybe it's the fatigue that comes after finishing a race.

The way I'm feeling right now. Dex says it's due to a 'lack of inner peace' and i have to 'find the root of the problem'. I guess there isn't really a root. It's just a culmination of a series of events I guess. How should I put it? Maybe the quiet after the storm? The nxt day hangover after a night of party?

~



And it's strange la. I was away on holidays in taiwan/hk for the past 2 weeks...was managing my emotions on the trips like a busy man and I guess that took away the real meaning and intention of going travelling this time round. My companions - fam for taiwan and jx for hk - were great and a lot of things won't have been possible without them. But I guess I should have taken the time to walk n travel alone some how. JX and evan surely would've sensed something's wrong with me thru'out the trip. I should've just let myself be alone, just let things flow...

Still 2 very good trips nevertheless. Went to some awesome places that I've always wanted to go, did some crazy shopping and met some old friends. Getting smashed in HK was not too bad also. Haha.

Like I said, it's that terrible feeling that comes the nxt morning after being smashed. Groggy and no appetite for anything, and that feeling lingers on til now.

~

This have been an ultra long summer. Made and lost a good friend. Good friend is what I will really call her, since nothing really crystallized between us. But how can i ever forget all the exchange of tender loving care that sort of transcends beyond normal friends...It's friendship hitting the roof already...

Loss, pain, pity...there's still a tang of those sentiments lingering in me..i hope they get flushed away soon though. At least I seal my conviction that it's almost never possible to forget anyone who's laid the path and painted some colors somewhere down the road of your life. I am sorry for all the harm and trouble I've inflicted upon this angel in-disguise though. I should have been more appreciative if I could just view her in the correct light. Regret is all that's left of me.

And this episode sealed my conviction in fate as well, but fate has played a cruel trick on me though. Fate brought me and her together. Fate made me find her and fate decided we're not meant to be together.

~

I don't think I've truly flushed out all those highly complex emotions yet despite going for holidays and not having to give a damn about school. I've learnt a great deal through my Merrill internship and I could have been one of the few lucky interns to be with the firm at a time when it's been the hardest hit by all the subprime losses, seeing how the top executives speak about the situation and the future for the Bank. The internship has bore fruits and I am happy but not super excited though. It's now one week away from school, and I should be planning my schedules ahead and making sure I'm prepared for the term. Need to be more positive and excited about things!

Year 4. Final year of formal education. Wouldbe losing the 'student' identity soon. I should be determined to make a blast out of this final year of the first phase of my life...before being swept by an irresistible tide into a new phase. A lot of things haven't been achieved and won't be in this final year, but I should still be thinking of how to get close to fulfilling those things somehow.

Getting old. It's not about the physical age but the sentiment, the radio channels and the conversation topics. Is the tide really irresistible? I won't know until i try to fight it, and I will fight it. Life is short and I might die young. Not trying to be pessimistic here, but it's a fact for someone who has a family with a history of cancer.

Let me try breaking free from these shackles starting tomorrow. I need to realize that there's no need to break the shackles when I'm holding the key in my hand.

~