Saturday, February 28, 2009

I accompanied him to the stadium for an evening run.

We were in the lift, and he spoke to me, "I heard you were planning to go Vietnam. Why didn't you go? You've booked the tickets already why never go?"

I said nothing and was wondering how he even knew about it, cos I didn't remember telling him or my mom about my intended trip which was to take place this week actually.

'Papa is ok and can handle this on my own.' You should've just gone la.'

I stayed silent, but felt like i was screaming deep within. There're more reasons why I shouldn't be feeling crappy anymore.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Around the world...

Good news...

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE WON BEST PICTURE @ 81ST ACADEMY AWARDS!!!!




& Bad News...


LIVERPOOL drew Manchester City 1-1....reducing their chances of winning this season's title :(

Sunday, February 22, 2009

7.15pm

I love this time of the day, when I look out of my window and the lights have just come on.





睡觉。醒来。忘记。

"睡觉。醒来。忘记。"

This has been my MSN nick for the past one week and has invited quite a few questions and remarks, whether I had plunged into a deep sleep and whether there's something i was trying to forget.

Hmm, of late, I was on a more positive track again, able to fill up those pockets of time with productive things, happy things, and to face up to many of my friends whom I had previously felt disconnected from. I was better able to departmentalize my mind once again, to prevent the spillover effect from a nasty turmoil and to isolate those negative thoughts. Perhaps that's cos Papa's treatment is nearing an end, marking the end of a dreadful string of daily hospital visits; and the start of a stronger recovery. Of late, I see more smiles on his face, more natural ones, each one urging me on to lead tomorrow more fully.

And to lead tomorrow more fully, I should not bring along yesterday's emotional baggage and wallow in pity and frustration all the time - something I'm extremely prone to. I believe a large part of fate is in my own hands, that I can seize control of it and have it my way. And that leaving behind those baggage n looking back with no regrets are perhaps the most central part of moving forward with greater force. In the process I see myself in a staid world of settled sedateness and prim self-restraint, a restraint from being sucked into yesterday's thoughts once again.

Seems like I've metaphorized the same thing many times over, the last time using the image of shackles - freeing myself from shackles whose key i was holding in my own hand. I guess they all point to the same thing, that is to wave goodbye to yesterday, to be more big-hearted and to be a better man with each passing day.

~

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Miracle

I was fortunate and blessed to be able to share the moment of truth with my mom, just as I clicked opened the email.

Tada!



The last 2 out of 14 papers I cleared, the last mile of a long long journey.

It's been five years, during which I stumbled and fell and eventually develop the conviction that audit and accounting weren't what I want to do, for sure. Nevertheless, I've come so far down the road. It was no turning back, and there was no way I can just walked off the path. So I pressed on.

56-pass. I remembered staring at the first compulsory question of the adv.corp rep paper. It carried 50 marks, and it was a consolidated CFS question which I totally did not prepare. It was always consol balance sheet year after year. I remembered panicking a great deal in the exam hall, until i decided to just give up the paper and leave. Cos 50 marks is half the score of the paper...confirm fail mah. Then I saw all around me mainland china girls, many many of them who struggled with their poor command of English but still persevered to finish the certification. They all started writing fiercely on their answer booklets. Pride got the better of me, so I went back to my seat and recalled bits of what I learnt in FA and CorpRep in SMU, I did some creative accounting and cooked up a CFS that would eventually balance. I remembered walking out of the exam with that bitter taste in my mouth, totally feeling shitty.

I was wondering if the marker had checked on my background and realized i was in desperate need to pass the exams. It's been five years already (but of course it's becos i took the papers one by one at my own pace..SMU work was simply too overwhelming). Or maybe this kind soul has taken instructions from the Board to be extremely lenient, to pass as many candidates as he possibly could - in view of a potential global headcount freeze by all the audit firms. Not that passing or not would matter to me actually. But thanks anyway, kind soul.

It was really impossible not to fail that paper, trust me. In any case, things like that do make me believe in miracles in life sometimes, to convince me of some form of divine intervention, to lead me one step closer to believe in God's will.

I rem talking to steph that I was in desperate need of a major event that could flood me with happiness, given the conditions i'm facing at home right now. And here it comes, smacked on my face and sending me skyhigh.

One step at a time. I believe I can be a happier man.

~