Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The elephant vanishes


Amid the endless surge and ebb of everyday life, interest in a missing elephant could not last forever. And so a number of unremarkable months went by, like a tired army marching past a window.

~

Monday, February 19, 2007

第一百O一條........


我發覺自己的文筆似乎偶爾會寫出幾度的空虛。

談到與志同道合的朋友們一同相聚的日子﹐探聽一下彼此近來的生活大小事﹐那種自憐的感覺並會不時油然而生。

相比之下﹐生活究竟缺少了些什麼﹖




~

#100 entry!

Can't believe how i've made 100 mountains out of 100 molehills in a matter of 14 months...my emotional joyrides and turmoils, mindless bantering about family, girls, studies and alot more bullshit.....

i don't tink i've learnt the ropes of blogging that interest or captivate my readers but i tink it depends on the objective of having the blog in the first place. I don't tink i've got alot of interesting pictures, videos, jokes and anecdotes to share on my blog. It's more like a place for me to channel my emotions, my frustrations...like if i wanna tell my mom I love her, i'd scream it out into cyberspace and the reverberation doesn't come out of the screen kinda thing. I think people have perceived me differently after reading the stuff on my blog, like what a frivolous, self-amused and of course low-self-esteemed person I am blah blah....

Oh wellz, anyway, Finn, the gf of one of my bestest HK friends from sec sch, kachun, was in Singapore on her job rotation, so had a really good time entertaining her and being entertained by her. Kachun and Finn got together when they were freshmen at HK Uni of Sci & Tech (HKUST) a couple of years back. Both of them are bankers now. It's really amazing how they've kept it going strong. I wish i've as good a catch as kachun..damN!















Ivan Huang, myself and Finn @ Cafe Iguana...old friends are da best!



~

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Term break = no break again

I think I wrote an entry with a similar title last semester.

Faced with an endless workflow and greater expectations of myself, it's happening yet again...sadly. Week 8...today's Sunday. The next moment I can get my ass down in front of the TV, school would've resumed already. So i guess the lamenting is not gonna help lengthen the holz at all...so let's just get down and do some serious time management, so that everyone who deserves a portion of my time, gets my time.

CNY is just happening at the wrong time, totally. I've to wait till Tues or Wed before I can go demand from the Fujitsu distributor for a replacement laptop, the one that crashed more than 5 times in 2 months for an unidentified hardware problem and making me lose my data over and over again. And i need to change router and get a new mobile phone also...they're all screwing up on me....Can't believe how i've let technology controlled my life and sucked up so much of my blood, for someone who has taken TWC!

And enough of those depressing self-deprecating entries. The monsters needed a break too i guess. Thanks to everyone who has expressed their concern...especially Mich and Alvin.

Mich thanks for your job application advices and your constant streams of encouragement in the most humorous ways.

Alvin thanks for hearing me out over supper and making my problems seem so frivolous as compared to yours. And indeed they are. Hope everything at home is fine for you, and have more control over your gf man. Spank her if you need yea!

This yr's CNY super low key for me. No mood also. I see those supposed-relatives of mine and exchange all those superficial meaningless greetings with them, I sian diao...Where the hell were they when Dad went thru all those shit at home? It just makes me wanna bring the closer ones even closer, and the rest will soon self-eliminate and go into oblivion. As the saying goes "情比金坚"... all those red packets don't mean a thing to me anymore. It just means for the rest of the month i take less pocket money from mom.

Sigh, CNY is one occasion that highlights how fast time is catching up on everyone of us, and how certain things are no longer the way they were or no longer the way they are meant to be anymore.

Nevertheless, hope it's a smooth sailing year ahead for everyone yea...

~

Friday, February 16, 2007

Into first half stop-pitch time...

The thunderous roars keep filling my senses. I get constantly blinded by the floodlights. I'm the striker, midfielder, defender, goalkeeper of both the home and away teams, the linesmen, referee, coach, manager, physio, die-hard fans all at the same time... it's as grueling as the real thing, time-compressed.

And what's more pressurizing is the fear of relegation from the league if I don't win this crucial match. That's how scary it is....loss of dignity, loss of hope, the manager fired, team valuation depressed, the loss of sponsorships, loss of media coverage.......How many of those Div 1 English clubs ever got promoted back to the EPL immediately after being relegated last season?

It's about time to head back into the changing room. The first-half performance so far was lackluster. Still feeling disoriented and losing faith in myself each time the ball went over the crossbar.

Already counting down towards the final seconds of the first half. I'm nothing but incapacitated. And there's still one last chance to draw first blood...

My breathing remains heavy...when is the halftime whistle ever gonna come?

~

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Fall to falter...


There's just something terribly wrong with the way I'm leading my life.
I'm not managing people, my finances, my time, my decisions and my pursuits properly.
I have no direction, no strategy, no confidence, no resolve, no purpose, no self-content..

It feels like i'm leading my life for someone else, in servitude.

I whine, I fret, I sigh, I frown, I curse, I swear, I snap, I break, I fall...I tried embracing myself, and then I slump into this pang of misery with or without reason, and then the whole self-deprecating and tormenting cycle repeats in itself.

There's a sense of insecurity creeping deep inside me all the time. There's someone I'm afraid to face up to if i don't meet his expectations. He, is who I see in the mirror everyday...the man swollen with pride and confidence one day, and faltered and crestfallen the next day.


It's me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence.



When will this fire stop burning?

~

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Confidence


I'm not old enough to play baseball or football. I'm not eight yet. My mom told me when you start baseball, you aren't going to be able to run that fast because you had an operation. I told Mom I wouldn't need to run that fast. When I play baseball, I'll just hit them out of the park. Then I'll be able to walk.

~Edward J. McGrath, Jr., "An Exceptional View of Life," quoted in Chicken Soup for the Soul by Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen, 1993


-

黑白世界


Some pics i took in Melaka 2 yrs back....These pics bring so much more feeling and meaning to me now as compared to back then...

old school.












Thursday, February 01, 2007

Fortune boxers!

ha....ivan huang got this for me from Kaohsiung when he went back last december....a pity the one with the “自摸” printed right in front was no longer available =/















Those of you who wanna play mahjong wif me better watch out man!
Somehow the L still looks quite small for my tight ass....lolz

~