She's cool

One of the few Mainland singers I really pay attention to.


~song in backdrop: 女孩与四重奏~

Authors

Today I went to the library to pick up some books, one of which is John Updike's My Father's Tears & Other Stories. The title immediately caught my attention considering how my life has been revolving round my own father in recent years. So i read the short story My Father's Tears and straight away it reminded me of chinese author 朱自清's 《背影》 - a short story with a scene of how the author's father saw him off at the train platform when he in his youth was bound for beijing for further studies. Likewise, My Father's Tears also began with a similar scenario of Updike's father seeing him off at the train platform as the 18-year old him prepared to leave for Harvard U.

John Updike 朱自清

There was a line from My Father's Tears which played back in my mind for quite a bit on my way home from the library:

'It is easy to love people in memory; the hard thing is to love them when they are there in front of you.'

When Updike Snr. shook his son's hand on the station platform, his eyes glittered with tears. And this threw his son off track for they had never had occasion for such social gesture in the 18 years of John Updike's youth. Such is the manly contact between a father and his son.

~

Doc's words

Today I finally realize how powerful a doctor's words can be.

It gave us another month of hope to believe that everything will be okay.

想對父親說的話

今天父親的醫藥報告出來了。母親事先向醫療中心以傳真索取報告。我午飯后發送簡訊給母親探聽報告結果。

回來的簡訊卻帶著不祥訊息。

回到家見到父親躺臥在舒服椅上，開著的電視不發出聲響。這傍晚踏進家門的情景一點也不稀奇，我仍是對父親的沮喪感到十分無奈和無助。父親的痛苦緊緊憋在心裏，日復一日變得沉默寡言。這些日子與父親減少溝通，也使我對他漸漸產生一种父子之間的陌生感。我試著了解和體諒他的痛楚，但始終解不開他心中的結。有時我也覺得懊惱失望，就比如父親對我的畢業成就毫不一絲理會。他對所有事物再也無法產生興趣，整天把自己處為病人狀態。但畢竟遭受病魔百般折騰的人不是我。要捉摸父親的痛楚並非容易。我卻只能望著父親嘆氣。

每天見父親越來越頽廢沮喪，只叫我和母親憂心似焚。我相信父親並未輸給病魔，而是敗在自己的悲觀。若能保持樂觀與希望，必定還有可能打贏這場長年累月之戰。

明天到來時，父親我慎重請您勇敢面對醫生的解説與治療意見，無論分析結果是好是坏，父親我要你知道我們都已為你做好心理準備，再次並肩作戰。

父親，只要你對自己保持希望，試著讓我們幫你解答你心中的謎，我們的生活一定會過得更快樂更美好。父親，我有很多話想嚴肅的對你說，想勉勵你，想敬佩你那勇敢的作戰精神，但一直沒法跟你好好溝通。我們父子不善于表達自己，也不坦誠相對，所以我決定過了明天，無論報告結果真是好還是坏，我都會站出來對你說：父親，你要勇敢，你要為我驕傲。你更是要為你自強不息的奮鬥精神感到自豪。你仍是這家中的棟梁，更是我們看齊的靈魂人物。

父親，我要給你的再三確保，就是我一定會盡全力幫你走出這黑暗，證明給自己我們仍然是勇敢的戰士。請你不要再捆綁自己了。

~

New song

若你碰到他
蔡健雅


我的脆弱坚强 互相作战
理性与感性 失去平衡感
不想让自己 活在过去的遗憾
问宇宙 他是否还爱我吗
这问题 早就有答案
若你碰到了 替我问候他
告诉他 我过得很美满
已忘记他 已把泪水全部擦乾
若你碰到了 替我问候他
祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他 不再爱也不再等待
就这样吧 若你碰到他

爱 没有绝对 虽曾经以为
我终於体会 爱不能倒退
该让它颓废 收起心碎

若你碰到了 替我问候他
告诉他 我过得很美满
已忘记他 已把泪水全部擦乾
若你碰到了 替我问候他
祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他 不再爱也不再等待
就这样吧 若你碰到他
就这样吧 若你碰到他

~

SMU Competitive Levels

At 0-10% class participation component of the final grade, only the best/top student of the class speaks up.



At 20% class participation levels, you typically see this number of hands in the air. Some, like Sean Spencer 同學 (first row on the right), stands up to capture greater attention. Doesn't him being angmoh already makes him stand out from the rest? Eeyer..


At 25% class participation levels, the rest also stands up and some sits on the table. Ang moh 同學 changes strategy and raises both hands. "Prof, can't you see i've got a bigger nose than the rest??"



And sometimes, class part can go beyond 25% and competition heightens. Nevertheless, you still have some students (such as Harvey Cheong, third row beside the aisle) who thinks that the ones who truly stand out are those who don't put up their hands.



Some height-deficient students with proportionately shorter hands continue to try very hard. You can tell who are these students hor? The female students, who are clearly outnumbered, strives to maintain their poise.



During the break, all students take their naps to regenerate their energy for further class participation later.



After the break, the fierce competition continues. This time round, even the girls can't take it any longer.



"Me! Me! Me! Me! & ME!"



At 100% class participation, everyone moves from his/her chair to the tabletop.



And when they have gone berzerk from the overcompetition, they turn into angels and demons. Ok, just demons.


~

Lists

Reading list:

i) The Remains of the Day (Kazuo Ishiguro)
ii) Never Let Me Go (Ishiguro)
iii) The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
iv) My Father's Tears & Other Stories (John Updike)
v) Daughter of the Clergyman (Orwell)
vi) Rabbit, Run (John Updike)
vii) To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
viii) Mrs Dalloway (Virginia Woolf)
ix) Kafka on the Shore (Haruki Murakami)
x) Catch 22 (Joseph Heller)
xi) Catcher in the Rye (J. D. Salinger)
xii) To the Lighthouse (Virginia Woolf)
xiii) Lolita (Vladimir Nabokov)
xiv) The Berlin Stories (Christopher Isherwood)
xv) The Sun Also Rises (Ernest Hemingway)
xvi) Clockwork Orange (Anthony Burgess)
xvii) The Woman with the Whip (Mary Main)
xix) The Book of Laughter and Forgetting (Milan Kundera)
xx) Singapore to Beijing on a Bike (Khoo Swee Chiow)
xxi) Into the Wild (Jon Krakauer)
xxii) The Trial (Franz Kafka)

Learning List:

1) CFA Level 1
2) Business Mandarin for Finance & Accounting
3) Conversation Japanese
4) Golf Proficiency Certificate

~

Mom's old friend

Mom came into my room today, telling me how her long-time friend Auntie Lily can't take it anymore.

Auntie Lily was my mom's room mate back in her college days at the then Nanyang University student hostels. She is perhaps one or two years younger or older than my mom. After losing touch for many years, Mom heard about Lily again through another ex-classmate, and it was because Lily was very ill from her cancer treatment. News spread fast among her old alumni clique people. And that was when Papa was diagnosed the same cancer for the first time. It's been close to three decades since Mom last saw Lily.

Auntie Lily had been fighting NPC for years, and after her fifth relapse, everyday seems like living hell to her. She opens her eyes weakly every morning and simply lies on her bed motionless, not able to perceive what's going on around her anymore. Her doc has ceased giving her further medication for fear her life would be consumed faster than if let alone. Mom says her days are numbered. A true fighter Lily has been. The last time Mom visited her a year ago or so, she told Mom to relay a message to Papa - that cancer patients like them are brave and fighters like them shall never give up. I believe Lily's younger daughter has finished her A levels. Years back when she was struggling with her relapse, Lily told herself never to give up on her life because she wants to see her youngest daughter make it to university. And with that thought she persisted and fought on til today. Not a day goes by when she gave up on herself.

Mom got wind that Lily has become much sicker than before and was determined to go visit her again before she might never getta see Lily again. Mom told me to avoid talking to Papa about Lily for fear he might get depressed over his own relapse which happened for the first time this year. I do not know how Mom is feeling right now, probably sad and probably worried for Dad's future health. And knowing an old friend's about to be lost to the jaws of death simply doubles that misery.

I believe Auntie Lily is still fighting hard even though she has lost her vision, her sense of hearing and is too weak to reach out for her daughters. But i am sure at anyone time, as long as she is conscious, she knows her girls are right beside her giving her all the comfort and assurance she needs. A college beauty she once was, as Mom describes, Lily will always be as beautiful as her vain old trendy self some thirty five years ago. Even til the very end. At least that's how her ex-room mate will forever remember her to be.

~

First sign of 'mean reversion'

Yesterday and today felt like the same day.

My eyes reluctantly opened exactly at the point when the clock's minute hand passed the 7.40am mark. First sign of precision.

I woke up on the same side of the bed with exactly the same frazzled hair. And again, subconsciously, i pulled out another white Gold Lion shirt from my wardrobe without a second thought...took the same amount of time in the shower and then left house exactly at the same instance as i did yesterday. And I am pretty sure i had my right foot out of the door first as always.

On my way to the train station, taking the same and probably shortest possible path, I met the 74 year-old indian man again...at the same spot just behind the HDB block across the road from my house. He is my neighbor and he just completed his daily morning exercise at the stadium. My mom knew him and i met him in the lift once when he was talking to my mom. Again, I tried to draw his attention by walking head-on towards him. And again, he walked around me..not casting a glance.

At the train station, I proceeded towards the front end of the platform where the first door of the first train compartment would opened for me. Again, the Pasir Ris-bound train coming down from Woodlands was too packed for anyone to get into. So again, I (we) waited. The familiar indian couple, the extremely skinny girl wearing a sleeveless top and another Indian worker in his same old purple pants showed up at the same spot on the platform. The wife of the couple had her Business Times with her as usual and she flipped directly to the crossword puzzle section again and was seen whispering into her hubby's ears - the same words every morning. This is probably the #345679876543 time the same group of us gathered at this spot at this very minute of the mundane morning, waiting for the same train which would carry at least 75% familiar faces.

How many times coincidence? I don't know. Seems to me like a mean reversion of everyone's bio-clock, and probably their daily range of activities and behaviours as well.

What has become of this life? Will tomorrow hold the same truth as yesterday and today?

~

There goes another week

The weeks just go on slipping by without giving you a tap on your shoulders. It's scary and it may make you feel lonely and empty after a while.

7 days in a week. Almost 5 full days on work, saturday for sleeping or pigging out, and Sunday for family and for yourself. What's left of the week are the few minutes you stand by your balcony window enjoying the evening neighborhood scene and the cool breeze after a good Sunday dinner.

And when you have that little time left, you shouldn't be wasting it on thinking of unworthy people or achieving the impossible or even try going to church when you totally are going there for the wrong reasons.

Instead,there are a few things you should be doing:

1) how to bring in more money for yourself? - what stock counters to pick up for the week if markets look set to head the right direction / play more mahjong and let out your frustrations on the table in exchange for your opponents' money / go queue up at 4D kiosks and try to understand why there are so many old men and women willing to donate their CPF/savings to Singapore Pools when it's prolly time for them to spend all that's left of their money on other stuffs.

2) who in your circle of friends truly deserve more of your time? - keep the close ones closer, and forget about those who only pay lip service or look you up for the wrong reasons

3) how to lose those ever increasing number of folds around your waist? - how to make youself look good?

4) which girl you should be asking out and why this particular girl? or is it time to enter new social circles? - this is something we single men should never give up on.

5) what kind of books to read beyond those that relate to your work? - you need to remind yourself there are also other things in this world that you want to appreciate and things that you can talk to other people about. Who the hell cares what you do at work?

6) Anything that can offer you some cheap thrill, and that's cos work really kills off your energy and interest in almost anything else. So the cheapest thrill will probably make your weekend very well-spent.